I'm passing your future prison.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
