"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
