listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
