It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
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She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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