I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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