Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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