The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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