When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
