Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
