I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
