I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
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Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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