I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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