Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?