that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms