I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet