My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO