You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch