WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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