Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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