Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
