Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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