im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
