god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
