Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
