my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
