Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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