Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
