so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
