I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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