Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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