i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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