put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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