This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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