there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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