Sry I called you an 8
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
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After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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