No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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