I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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