i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
