I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
