I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
