I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i want to swaddle you in tequila
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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