I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
