I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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