the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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