your room smells of hookers.
And success
from now on my penis is your penis
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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