I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
