can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
