I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
