i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Randomize
