it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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