so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
