he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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