I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
