happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
