if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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