Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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