I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just invented taco cereal.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
