hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
