I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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