Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
