Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
