i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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